Wednesday, October 25, 2006

What a doozy.

And I think that's an understatement.

Everyone knows that I have been a bit hectic the past few weeks, but, in the past three days things just blew out of proportion. I've had two cars break down on me in less than 36 hours, internet and phone outages, and other stuff that I won't mention.

Oh, and it's that time of the month, so it just keeps getting worse.

Monday as I was getting out of class (translation: after 9:15PM), my car broke down on the way home. Yes, my car broke down again, less than two months after the previous breakdown. I freaked, put it in neutral, and parked it in front of Centro Medico. I called my parents, line was busy, called my boyfriend, and he came over to keep me company until everything was solved. (Which means he stayed until 11pm plus until my car got towed.) I got home after midnight and went to sleep at about one.

(Plus, I'd had to take allergy pills, and I was dizzy, nauseous, and I had tachycardia.)

Next day, I wake up at about 7 to go into town with dad so I can walk from one side of town to the other to ask gramps for his car (since he fractured his arm and can't drive). He was more than happy to oblige. Problem solved!

For now.

Today, as I was going to take care of gramps (since he can't really fend for himself with his fractured arm), the car, his car, the car he lent me, broke down. I managed to start it up, go to his house, and everything seemed to be fine until I left his house an hour later and the car died. On a hill. Fun.

Thankfully, it seems the problem was solved, but that didn't stop me from breaking down and crying. School, personal situations, and then the car. I could've sworn God was punishing me for something. Either that, or cars just don't like me. I called Damian and waited for my dad to show. And cried, of course.

I'm trying to focus on the positive (that my boyfriend kept me, his hysterical girlfriend, company, the fact that I've had cars at my disposal to transport myself, that my parents are doing everything they can, etc), but I keep going back to all the negatives (school, committees, a very bad appointment to a committee, personal problems, work, Cambridge funds).

The worst part is that after I cry and am all vulnerable and such, I just shut off how I feel and I become this bitter, hardened person that thinks nobody cares. In fact, I erased and rewrote this post about three times because I was struggling whether or not to write about it. I'm fairly sure this is because of the alienation I feel from the rest of the grad students and from my friends (whom I barely see). The only person I see on a fairly constant basis is D, and usually I'm too tired or high-strung to be coherent. :/ I guess I need to put myself first instead of working myself within an inch of existence.


chandra said...


randomly browsing blogs i came across yours. your profile says you are interested in 'art'.. thats the bridge connects us. come, meet me at my place ;

warm wishes


Viv said...

Errr... Who's Chandra?

I'm sorry you've been going through a tough week. All I can tell you is that things like these happen. Some weeks are good and others are weeks from hell. Everyone has them. So don't feel like you're the only one or like God or something is punishing you. These thigs just happen. I've had cars die on me, flat tires (today), cars die on me en una cuesta - frente a casa!), cars that star to expell some from under the hood (never a good thing) in the middle of a highway, times when I feel as if I just wanted to quit everything all together. All in all I've learned a lot about myself and about how to solve things by myself. Of course I go berzerk, but afterwards I realize that I know all I know now because of those incidents. That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? Just hang in there girl.