Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Style wants.

A couple of style desires that have been occupying my mind lately.

First, the Ikea Knappa lamp. Hell, the series.
I've been wanting one for ages and apparently nobody lives near enough an Ikea to get me one. I also like the floor lamp, but this one is the one that is calling to me like a siren to a sailor. Seriously. And now, a cafe in my town has them and I am going insane. I need this lamp. Yes.

Another style desire is a sequined long-sleeve mini dress. Not so mini that I breathe and my lady parts are exposed to the world, but short enough so I can prance around in heels and feel absolutely fun.

Next, a lace dress. No, no...none of that Prada stuff. I actually disliked that line immensely. I would like a 50's style shift with a lace overlay...I can dream, I can dream...

Also, white! White, white, white! No, I'm not being elitist, but I've always wanted a white blazer, a white pencil skirt, and white pants. I actually have a white blazer (second hand, thank you Salvation Army), but I have to line it. I have white pants, but they are linen. I'd like something that could pass off as a fabulous suit. And I have not found a white pencil skirt, which makes me sad. One of my (sillier to some) life list wishes is to have clothes tailor made for me in Hong Kong. Guess this will be one of those projects.

Feather print or feather covered shoes. Yes, a bit morbid, but ever since I saw them on Style Bubble I have lusted. Oh and how. Maybe if I tried them on, my cravings would be satisfied. I guess I like weird stuff.

Zippers: I want a solid black (or white; wait, how about both? or gray?) dress with an exposed zipper going down the entire back. My word, one of my classmates wore a style like this and I almost murdered her to take the garment off her body. I need a dress like this, but no one has zippers long enough for me to make this! I'd also like a blazer with zipper trim.

I'd also like a fabulous job in which I could prance around with all my dream outfits. And while we're at it, fairy godparents, how about a nice sewing machine too?

Ah, fantasies...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Why do I want this?

Please, someone, tell me. I don't know why but I am drawn to this. Perhaps I just have some irrepressible magnet towards the most peculiar things in the store (because lord knows that only one other person checked out the ombre shirts at the Gap outlet yesterday...).

Back to the topic. I want these to wear them under a black dress to work or for nights out. I must obtain these. Part of me thinks I need to learn to make leggings..after all, they should be simple right?

And that's how every dark DIY project starts: it must be simple, right?

If anyone else is as interested in these as I am, they're going for $9.80 at Forever 21. Click here.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The weird dreams continue.

So I've mentioned before my unfortunate and continuing nightmares featuring terminators. Well, this morning they got even better...

I dreamt that the Kyle Reese character and Michael Jackson were both my fathers. And we were trying to run away from the terminators. My dreams just keep getting randomer and randomer. And Christian Bale isn't there to save me anymore. Shit.

(I don't think Damian likes the Christian Bale part.)

Anyway. Another recent crazy dream featured Clive Owen and Damian. Clive Owen wanted to marry me. So clearly, my subconscious is a little haywire lately.

(I don't think Damian likes the Clive Owen part either. Oh well!)

I'm a bit tired and definitely wondering what rollercoaster ride tonight's sleep will bring, hopefully not nightmares of job interviews. I think today's interview went well and I sincerely hope I did not just shoot (hell, blow my damn foot off) myself on the foot by saying that. At the very least, I thank them very much for their time (and patience with my getting lost).

And now, to sleep. If not sleep, then do some DIY patterns or sowing. I'm so inspired (or at least, driven) lately!

Four more.

Just got done sending off my resumé to four more companies. Have an interview later on today. Let's hope that goes well...

And now to bed, because my undereye circles are truly quite terrifying. I look like something out of a Japanese horror film.



The desktop, for some reason, doesn't have a PDF reader. What? Why? I stop using this computer frequently and this is what happens?

Have had to convert resumé into .jpg in order to print...geh.

Seriously, good night.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Trinity ring.

Is that what they're called?

Either way, I've always wanted one, but I've always felt that that's something you should give or receive, as I've been taught that they represent infinity/eternity and that's something you usually associate with love.

Or what I've been told can be a barrel full of baloney for all I know.

If you're interested, this version is from Forever 21, and only $2.80! I may just give up and get one myself if I find myself in San Juan when they open with three dollars to spare.

And totally justify the purchase by saying that the love one has for oneself must/should exceed the love with invest in other people. But then, isn't that something one says to justify when they're too deep in?

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Rage Against.

Part of me is sure that I'm crossing over to that dark, embittered side that is eerily similar to that of the people I dislike, perhaps even hate. I don't think I utterly hate anyone, but I definitely feel a strong opposite emotion to the affection I once held for them.

Furthermore, I've been just seething. Angry. Angry at people. Angry at what they don't appreciate. Bitching at what they've lost when they don't see what they still have. It's not envy, it's anger. Not envy because I realize that I make of life what I want and I'm doing the best I can to get there. Anger because these people are just wasting away opportunities out of pure pettiness. Anger because they destroy things at will, without thinking of what effect their actions have on whomever.

I fear I've become what I hate: those people who just seethe. But I'm so full of anger. So full of anger. I get angry at people because I wonder if they realize what they do or if they just live in their egocentric bubble and ignore the effects of their actions in other people's lives. This has been bubbling up under my skin for so long it seems, but in reality it was just exacerbated by certain events in the past few months. How can people live with themselves when they just associate with other people who perpetuate falsehoods and hate? How can they tolerate themselves when they mete out prejudiced decisions without hearing every side of the story? Furthermore, how dare they act like there is nothing wrong?

Sadly, I must forcibly interact with some of these people and it makes me feel like it's eating my soul inside. I have to deal with these idiots who live on their high horse and believe they are the center of the universe. Or maybe it's just a lie they tell themselves because they have things they don't want to face.

And stupid me, sometimes I just want to sit down and talk to people. Ask them why. Why do you do this. Why do you treat us this way? But I can't because part of me refuses to believe that there are people like that in this world.

I'm sick of having people talk behind my back and then act as if nothing was wrong. Fuck you and your overblown ideas of yourself. Stop projecting your fears and insecurities onto me. I don't do that to you. Hell, I've supported people through some decisions that are perhaps questionable, but all I've said was that it was that person's choice and whatever they chose I would back them up.

This is what you get for trying to let people live their own lives. I get dramatic ultimatums, unexplained cutoffs, hypocrisy, disappointment, seething comments, and of course, the almighty attitude of self-righteousness. But perhaps they're doing me a favor. I mean, who would want such negative entities in their lives, correct?

But this anger is far too rooted to just let go. I want to know why. What did I ever do to deserve such platitudes. I truly do not think it's jealousy because I have nothing for anyone to be jealous about. I am just a human being trying to make good of herself and trying to help others. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I have conditions that at times have debilitated my life so much to the point of not eating, not sleeping, just barely existing for days or weeks. But I cannot let this get to me, because then, when I die, what will I have to say for myself? That I quit? It's not like I have not done it, but I have to find a good worthwhile reason to. And then think hard. And then push myself not to. Because then I'll think I'm just another fuck-up that's not worth another get-go.

Maybe this venting will help me close a chapter in my life. Maybe by releasing all that into the universe, it's gone. I feel a bit better, but I'm scared that, deep down, in the bottom, there is still some hurt left. And sadly, I think I will never forgive the hurt. It seems like I can't pardon those who judge without asking questions first. Who act without thinking what the other person feels. Who don't even seemingly consider that that other person might just need their help, not their complaint. I've been sick, so sick to the point where I feared dying and so few stayed the course. Some tried, but quit, and I can accept that. What I cannot accept was the reactions of some. I am truly appreciative of those who have been with me through the years, who helped me through this hellhole that I've had to crawl through and out of. Perhaps you will never know how much you mean to me because I can never really place such things into spoken words. But you where there for me and I hope that something as dark never happens to you. If it does, I will pray that I will be there for you as you where for me. But I sincerely wish it does not.

I hope this is a chapter anew. I hope that these feelings will just rot into the soil and then come back as something different, something positive, after being processed. I'm just through dealing with such people. I simply do not need their stuff. I have enough dark places to sort through of my own, I don't need your petty insecurities, fears, or whatever it is you may feel in regards to me, my life, my decisions, etcetera. I don't need your dark cloud hanging over me. If I am to fail, let it be on my own, of my own volition. If I fail, let it be because I thought I was doing the right thing for myself, not for you or anyone else.

(Of course, this last statement does not apply to self-destructive behavior. In any case, get me out of that, stat. Or, if all fails, let me get through my marinating process and be sure I don't do something utterly stupid.)

Sorry if I have inundated your day with negative thoughts, it was not my intention. But I needed to let out all these dark thoughts that were festering inside. I just needed to let it all out and put it out there, let it go. Dissipate. I feel much lighter now. As if a weight has been lifted off.

Thanks for putting up with this, everyone. Again, hope this was not a downer. Good night!

Thesis denial.

What have I been up to lately? Literally, nothing much. Tutoring, trying to get back in shape but failing miserably, sowing, and now, trying to find flights to Heathrow but nothing going. Gatwick or Luton. Neither option is entirely appealing due to it's distance from London.

Working on/off on my thesis, having nightmares every night (with Terminator(s) in the starring role, awesome), looking at old pictures and feeling like a loser because I'm not taking care of myself as I should be. I'm also trying to cheer myself up and not think about everything I've lost, but what I've gained. Sometimes that goes well. Sometimes, not so great.