Thursday, November 23, 2006

What is depression?

I know that I'd said that I wouldn't blog, but I guess I need the release. I also guess I need to let everyone know what I'm going through. Or at least, to get it all out and try to get my shit together again.

I am now on anti-depressants. The doctor said they might take from one to two weeks to work. For me, that's one to two weeks too long, but I just have to hang in there before I just crawl in to bed with a bottle of Ambien.

(Well, kidding, the Ambien, which is a sleeping pill, isn't working.)

So what is depression. Depression is feeling like you're going to die, that you're dying, that this pain in your chest will never go away ever again. It feels like you are a shell of emptiness in which you can't feel anything and all you can do is be numb. It feels like you don't love the people you would give your life for. It feels like hell and I don't wish it on anybody, not even on my worse enemy. It feels horrifyingly alone, it is debilitating.

There have been days when the angst has been so horrible that I've had to bawl all day to try to understand what's going on. There are days when I'm a little more functional, like now. Yesterday, I saw my boyfriend, the poor soul that has to put up with this the most and I made him promise me that everything will be okay. The man deserves a medal and free internet for life. But it's so hard to remain positive. It's so hard not to be overwhelmed by the negativity. It's so difficult to believe that I will be able to start over again and that I will be a better and stronger person for it. I'm scared.

Right now, I feel a little better. Last night I felt a whole lot better, but this comes and goes. It takes a lot of effort, an effort that is exhausting and painful, and I have to remind myself all the time that this too shall pass. I've actually been able to eat after about three days of not eating or eating very little. I was able to have a very small breakfast and dinner on tuesday and last night and this morning I was actually able to eat cereal. People, compared to how I was, this is vastly improved. Even if I have to force myself to interact, I do it, because I know I will get better, even if I have to start from scratch.

I have to promise myself that I can start again. But more importantly, I have to believe it. I have to say it over and over again until it dulls the pain and the ideas that come along with depression. I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to be the way I was, but I wonder if I can achieve that.

And I am so glad that Tom Cruise doesn't run the meds in the world. Otherwise, I'd be fucked.

So that's it. For now. I might do some more word vomit here every once in a while. I have to be selfish, I have to take care of myself, so I'm quitting my job. This is the first time I will be unemployed in five years. This is the first time I'll have a weekend in five years! Wow...

Oh well. Thank God for meds. Now let's hope that the meds actually do work.


Viv said...

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this but I'm happy to hear that you acknowledge it, talk about it and are getting professional help. I don't understand depression or what causes it. I guess I have research to do. Just don't feel alone and don't feel like you don't have anyone around you because we're all here for you (even if its a long distance "I'm here for you"). Take great care hun. We're all here for you :)

nyd said...

i sincerly don't know what to say...just that you know that i am here for you. the ocean is not that big, i'll swim across it if i have to go down there for you.

Carlitos said...

*hugs real tight*

You're a strong person. You'll be done with all this soon. You have a loving boyfriend, family and friends who care a great deal about you. Hang in there and holler if you need anything I can help you with. :)