Last night I felt so much better, I figured, HEY. I can sleep without Ambien!
Wrong. W-R-O-N-G.
I tossed and turned for hours, having hysterical and nonsensical thoughts. I had weird dreams. All in all, I think I only got two to three hours of sleep because I woke up at 7, on the clock, once again.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this morning and after that I'm going to try to see Damian, my boyfriend. What's hit me the hardest during this depression is the pushing people away, in particular, my boyfriend. I cannot understand it, and I've been reading up and apparently this is normal. But I still don't understand.
I love him and I want to be with him, but in this void that I am in, I can feel nothing but panic and negative thoughts.
My psychologist/family friend is being quite helpful though, mainly because he is a family friend and I know he wants me to get better (like all y'all who read this blog and have left comments).
I think what I have to say is: Yes, I have depression. And I'm doing my best to deal with it. And I'm going to kick it in the butt. And I will learn to love again.
However, I do keep thinking: WHY CAN'T THE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS KICK IIIIIIIN!?
Anyway. I don't know if I've said it, but I've quit my job. I have weekends again. I no longer wake up with the feeling of dread of "ugh shit. job." For now, I have an "indefinite leave." We'll see. But I am broke once again, depending on my parents. Part of me feels bad, and the other part is like: well, I'm 23. I'm still living with my parents. And I'm in a rough patch. Soooo. Stop it.
I told my friend that she can't come over for Christmas because of what's happening and I am glad that she was so okay about it. She just wants me to get better. Hopefully, I will. There are moments when I am fine and I can see the light in the tunnel with clarity, and then I plummet down back into the hole. I have to fight this, otherwise it won't stop. And it has to stop. For the sake of my sanity.
I know I said that I wouldn't blog, but the word vomit kind of helps. I have to learn to be selfish, as everybody says. To stop wallowing in misery and pull myself together.
Here goes nothing.
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4 comments:
Yes, yes, yes, yes girl. You'll get out of this triumphantly. Don't worry about that. I'm glad to know that you're reading up about depression. It always helps to know about what one is going through. You're already sounding more like Stella and this makes me happy. Keep strong girl and you'll be fine.
I <3 you!
You know that I'm always here for you no matter what.
that was me. :(
-- ki-chan
Good luck with everything, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I think quitting your job will probably help, especially to calm you down and take some stress off.
I'm an IM away if you need to talk. I'm sure you will come out of it... wanting to come out of it and make the effort is a huge part of the battle. Ganbatte ne!!
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