Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Rage Against.

Part of me is sure that I'm crossing over to that dark, embittered side that is eerily similar to that of the people I dislike, perhaps even hate. I don't think I utterly hate anyone, but I definitely feel a strong opposite emotion to the affection I once held for them.

Furthermore, I've been just seething. Angry. Angry at people. Angry at what they don't appreciate. Bitching at what they've lost when they don't see what they still have. It's not envy, it's anger. Not envy because I realize that I make of life what I want and I'm doing the best I can to get there. Anger because these people are just wasting away opportunities out of pure pettiness. Anger because they destroy things at will, without thinking of what effect their actions have on whomever.

I fear I've become what I hate: those people who just seethe. But I'm so full of anger. So full of anger. I get angry at people because I wonder if they realize what they do or if they just live in their egocentric bubble and ignore the effects of their actions in other people's lives. This has been bubbling up under my skin for so long it seems, but in reality it was just exacerbated by certain events in the past few months. How can people live with themselves when they just associate with other people who perpetuate falsehoods and hate? How can they tolerate themselves when they mete out prejudiced decisions without hearing every side of the story? Furthermore, how dare they act like there is nothing wrong?

Sadly, I must forcibly interact with some of these people and it makes me feel like it's eating my soul inside. I have to deal with these idiots who live on their high horse and believe they are the center of the universe. Or maybe it's just a lie they tell themselves because they have things they don't want to face.

And stupid me, sometimes I just want to sit down and talk to people. Ask them why. Why do you do this. Why do you treat us this way? But I can't because part of me refuses to believe that there are people like that in this world.

I'm sick of having people talk behind my back and then act as if nothing was wrong. Fuck you and your overblown ideas of yourself. Stop projecting your fears and insecurities onto me. I don't do that to you. Hell, I've supported people through some decisions that are perhaps questionable, but all I've said was that it was that person's choice and whatever they chose I would back them up.

This is what you get for trying to let people live their own lives. I get dramatic ultimatums, unexplained cutoffs, hypocrisy, disappointment, seething comments, and of course, the almighty attitude of self-righteousness. But perhaps they're doing me a favor. I mean, who would want such negative entities in their lives, correct?

But this anger is far too rooted to just let go. I want to know why. What did I ever do to deserve such platitudes. I truly do not think it's jealousy because I have nothing for anyone to be jealous about. I am just a human being trying to make good of herself and trying to help others. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I have conditions that at times have debilitated my life so much to the point of not eating, not sleeping, just barely existing for days or weeks. But I cannot let this get to me, because then, when I die, what will I have to say for myself? That I quit? It's not like I have not done it, but I have to find a good worthwhile reason to. And then think hard. And then push myself not to. Because then I'll think I'm just another fuck-up that's not worth another get-go.

Maybe this venting will help me close a chapter in my life. Maybe by releasing all that into the universe, it's gone. I feel a bit better, but I'm scared that, deep down, in the bottom, there is still some hurt left. And sadly, I think I will never forgive the hurt. It seems like I can't pardon those who judge without asking questions first. Who act without thinking what the other person feels. Who don't even seemingly consider that that other person might just need their help, not their complaint. I've been sick, so sick to the point where I feared dying and so few stayed the course. Some tried, but quit, and I can accept that. What I cannot accept was the reactions of some. I am truly appreciative of those who have been with me through the years, who helped me through this hellhole that I've had to crawl through and out of. Perhaps you will never know how much you mean to me because I can never really place such things into spoken words. But you where there for me and I hope that something as dark never happens to you. If it does, I will pray that I will be there for you as you where for me. But I sincerely wish it does not.

I hope this is a chapter anew. I hope that these feelings will just rot into the soil and then come back as something different, something positive, after being processed. I'm just through dealing with such people. I simply do not need their stuff. I have enough dark places to sort through of my own, I don't need your petty insecurities, fears, or whatever it is you may feel in regards to me, my life, my decisions, etcetera. I don't need your dark cloud hanging over me. If I am to fail, let it be on my own, of my own volition. If I fail, let it be because I thought I was doing the right thing for myself, not for you or anyone else.

(Of course, this last statement does not apply to self-destructive behavior. In any case, get me out of that, stat. Or, if all fails, let me get through my marinating process and be sure I don't do something utterly stupid.)

Sorry if I have inundated your day with negative thoughts, it was not my intention. But I needed to let out all these dark thoughts that were festering inside. I just needed to let it all out and put it out there, let it go. Dissipate. I feel much lighter now. As if a weight has been lifted off.

Thanks for putting up with this, everyone. Again, hope this was not a downer. Good night!

No comments: