Thursday, May 31, 2007

Valedictorian of depression.

What is there to say. The psychiatrist wants to up my meds. I am very displeased. I'm so upset, I'm furious. I'm sick and tired of taking pills, the pills are not working.

But I'm not getting better! Yay!

According to the psychiatrist, I'm slipping back into a more serious depression. I'm so sick of this. Of not being able to sleep, of waking up everyday thinking things that aren't true, of having absolutely no desire to do anything. I'm sick of going to the psychiatrist and to the psychologist.

I have zero idea on how I will survive this upcoming year. I have no desire whatsoever to even start my thesis, and I have a feeling that I'll be in class giving the professor blank stares (since I could care less about the class). I see no future ahead of me, at all.

Dear readers, I do not mean to psych you out through my babble, but this is how I feel. I'm not suicidal, but there is no will to live. This just sucks.

I don't know what else to say. I'd been thinking of posting cheerier, more upbeat bloggage, of my talking about shopping or whatever but that's just not where I am right now. And a lot of people think that I'm doing so well, but I just hide it. Because, honestly, I don't need you to know that I wake up at 5am everyday and start crying. Well, I don't cry anymore, it's like I just gave up.

So that's it for now.


Viv said...

I think a lot of this has to do because u r doing something u don;t like. If u don't want to work on your thesis, if u don't even feel motivated to start, its gonna be hell doing it. You have to do something u like. If not, its going to get worse. I advise u to change tracks. Its not late.

Myko Kitsune said...

Listen to me dear:
I know you guys see me as a crazy little critter that still thinks that life is all pink, and i will not lecture you, but from the bottom of my heart this is all that i have to say to you, HANG ON damn it, to anything, don't let this demon take away everything you hold dear, everything that filled you with life, nobody knows you better than yourself, so doctors will never really know what you are suffering, so only you will always know the piercing pain that is locked inside of you.Let it go. Share what you feel with real people, with us, with your friends, with the people who really care what your feelings are, and will do anything to make you smile again, and last but not least, don't give up, get angry if you have to, break something if you have to, heck, yell at me for writing this if you have to, but don't give up dear, we love you, and i will travel to the end of the world if that is what it takes to make you feel better. Please, learn again to trust the most capable person in the world to solve your problem, YOURSELF.