Monday, April 02, 2007

Depression blog number I lost count.

I haven't talked much about my depression lately, not because it's gone, but because I've gotten to the point of it in which I don't want to talk to anyone about it and I just want to retreat into my shell. Alienation is the name of the game and I'm quite good at boxing myself in.

I'm not going to lie, I'm much better than I was before. I'm no longer suicidal, I'm eating ( a little too much, methinks), I'm somewhat interested in my schoolwork. But I still have the lingering feeling that I'm going to die so there's no use making plans or wondering about tomorrow. I don't get my hopes up, if you want to put it that way.

I know everybody wants me to hurry up and get better and I thank you for your concerns, but sometimes it just feels that it isn't going to get any better and I'm stuck in this field of numbness. Occasionally I'm sort of like I was before, but it's rare and fleeting. I'm usually stuck in the paranoia of "how long will it last before I have another breakdown?"

I'm scared that with the upcoming stress of having to do my final course projects my improvement might go into retrograde, mainly because I have poor emotional management skills. I'm either overly emotional or super numb. I'm not emotionally intelligent. I guess I talk frivolously about other things on my blog in an attempt to get better or to put up a smokescreen so people think that I am better.

I never figured that this would be so public a crusade. I never thought I would blog about depression. And I never thought I would use the word I so much in a post, ugh, so egocentric. It just feels like I'm all alone and in the worst company possible: myself. And I know I have friends and family and a boyfriend, but, honestly, I'm emotionally alienated to the point where it's just myself. And that self isn't too much fun.

That said, I think this depression post is done. Just wanted to keep everyone updated on the status of the pill-popping blogger.

1 comment:

Viv said...

I think its good that you write about your depression. In fact, keeping a journal about it (your emotions, feelings, thoughts, etc) sounds like a good way of auto-examining yourself, getting to know yourself better and letting some steam out- which is good because its never good to keep everything in. Sometimes one needs help from friends and that's what we're here for :)

It sounds to me like you're having a sort of existentialist crisis. We've all had that, righ? i.e. What am I here for? Why am I doing this? Why is everyday just like the one before? Will all of this sacrifice pay off someday? What if I die tomorrow? Shouldn't I be enjoying life more now? It happens. Don't feel alone.