No class.

Today I couldn't give my first class because I couldn't find parking anywhere. I found parking about twenty minutes too late and when I got to the classroom all that was left was a student from the other section and the attendance list ever-so-kindly made by my students.

I promptly fired off an e-mail explaining why I was MIA and also telling them what we will do next class. Missing this class is just another sign that today is a bad day. I woke up feeling anxious and crappy, cried in the car on the way over to school, and then didn't find parking. Grr.

As for what teaching in general is like, it's been okay. The most frustrating part is that the students in my second section are slacking off. This makes me very angry. I try to get them to talk and to cooperate but there's one of them that refuses to speak English (he says he's in Puerto Rico, he doesn't have to speak English). There's another that, while funny, keeps disrupting the class with his comments. And then there's one that always keeps staring and giggling at me.

The one comforting thing is that they all seem comfortable enough with me to talk to me. They approach me after class and while some of them are shy, most of them aren't afraid to raise their hand and have me check their writing. Which is cool.

I'm being so disorganized though. I have to get my rollbook in gear. I have to prepare a pre-assessment rubric (though I have one, all I have to do is tweak it). Quite honestly, most of my free time is spent sleeping and avoiding thought in general. I hate my grad class and I haven't done anything for my thesis. I just wish I could drop out of the program.

I think a lot of people wonder what the hell happened to me. I used to be so driven, so enthusiastic. Now I just don't care. I've even thought about taking down the blog, since I don't have any desires to do anything. I don't know.

Well, I'd better try to do something so...catch you all later.

Back in the low again.

So after a very good couple of days I'm back in the shits. And I really mean it. I was close to a breakdown this morning.

I know everyone says that it's my choice to get out and I've really been trying. Cualquiera diria. It just keeps mutating into an even worse hideous monster that I can't control. My obsessive thoughts become worse and worse and I just become more and more closed off.

I just wish I could reboot. Restart. Be who I was again. But, I know that that's never going to happen.

Well, that was "fun."

I got out of my first class a while ago. Massacre, pain, suffering. At least, that's what I think.

The students just kept staring at me and one of them kept laughing, which made me feel uncomfortable and I just burst out and asked him: Is there something funny?

I think I lost my cool. I thought I had it under control. Hi, I'm freaking out.

My respect for teachers has gone up. You have to have real thick skin in order to be a teacher...

Lesson Plans.

I'm sitting here trying to conjure up my lesson plans for my class. I have a very brief mental outline of how I want the class to proceed, but fleshing it out is proving to be difficult. I have to read the books so I can figure out what to teach and what not to teach.

Part of being a teaching assistant means having to attend certain workshops and seminars. I didn't go to today's seminar because I had appointments with both the psychiatrist and the psychologist. The good news is that I'll be going off of one of the pills soon. I want to be off medication as soon as possible. The bad news is that I still get my ups and downs. And I feel so indifferent towards everything now.

I haven't been very keen to blogging lately. I feel like I have nothing to say. That could also be motivated by my feeling in a linguistic limbo: not really clear between thinking in Spanish or English. I'd better get back to English fast since I'm going to be teaching in it.