Sunday, December 10, 2006

Life keeps moving.

I no longer count the days when I've been taking pills. I think this is the third week. Well, it's not a complete third week yet, but it will soon be. *checks pill cartridge* In two days.

There are days when I feel I am myself again. Days when I can look into my boyfriend's eyes and think I'm back again. And then I get jealous when he mentions other girls. And then there are days when I can feel nothing, when I can't even recall a moment when I was happy or when I was hurt or anything. It's just a void.

Every night I pray to God to make it go away. Just to please, make the pain go away. Make the numbness disappear and bring the old me back, the one that ate four times a day and was still hungry, the one who couldn't wait for people to get online, the one that anxiously looked forward to every Friday, at 7 o' clock when I would get to see my boyfriend.

My boyfriend, the man who deserves so much for what he's going through. He never asked for this yet he stays and endures and perseveres. He is by my side every step of the way and I cannot be more thankful for that. He is involved with the One-Woman Homage to the Exorcist: me.

I feel like I have lost all hope. Perhaps it's because I'm going through one of the empty days, the sad days, when I check the clock and anxiously await it to be gone. I miss my life. But in a way, I don't really miss it, because I can't feel anything at all.

In two days, it'll be 14 years since my grandmother died. I wonder if that has anything to do with my depression as well. I used to hate Christmas, after her death, and I only put the tree up for her. I don't want any presents, I just want to feel good. I want to shine again.

Someone wrote that I am very courageous for putting this out in the public. Maybe I am. Maybe I should be. But at the same time, there is nothing left to hide. This is me, broken and battered and bruised and forcing myself to live because that's the way it has to be. I have to beat this. Otherwise, where else can I go?

I wonder if I'll ever be able to blog again. Or read these entries. This is all so difficult, but I feel I have to write. And I have to tell you, all of you, who have friends, family, loved ones who suffer from depression: those people love you. They just can't feel it or express it because they are so numb. So don't give up, don't push them away. Be with them because they need you as much as you need them.

I love you.


Viv said...

I think you're courageus for writing all this down and putting it out there but at the same time I understand and know (I think) why you do it: writing things down helps one vent and also reflect on what's going on and assimilate it better. If writing is your theraphy, don't give it up.

I wish you well Stella. I know you'll "shine" again soon. This is just as rough spot. Keep your hopes up.


Anonymous said...


I wish you the very best, girl. Truly. It breaks my heart to read you're in pain, have strength, you will overcome this soon.

[*hugs again]