Rules or Happiness?

This corgi is happy. Are you this happy? (Image via Corgis Everywhere!)

It started out innocently enough. The other day, Sally at Already Prettymade a post on styling tricky accessories. I was wearing my red pants that day, and, in PR, it's not common to see girls in bright pants. Or, at least, I don't tend to see them.

In my comment, I included my red pants, adding that while some people may argue against them because they draw attention to the size of my hips and butt, they make me quite happy. So what should I do? Follow the rules or follow my happiness?

This all got me to thinking about all the things many of us postpone or simply ignore because they just "don't follow the rules". I have too many friends who haven't studied what they like, wear what they want, or say what they think because it is out of the norm. I even dated a guy who was studying medicine because "that's just what the firstborns do" in his family. He desperately wanted to study literature or history.

If we start imposing limits on ourselves in something as basic as clothes (because, let's face it, we need protection from rain, sun, and temperature, so clothes are a basic need; why not have a little fun with them?), what else will we limit ourselves upon? I'm not telling you to go start a revolution, but I am telling you to find a way to express yourself and find ways to state your truth and be happy. As long as you respect yourself and others while you're at it, you should be fine.

Just think about it. How many things do you hold back on? You might start off with that shirt because maybe it's too bright and you'd be too shy to wear it out. Then maybe you realize you might not want to do something you really like because, wow. Not a lot of people do it so it must be embarrassing. What next? I know it may sound a bit...hyperbolic. But think about it. How much are we limiting ourselves because of supposed rules and worries over what people may think?

At the risk of sounding corny, as far as we know, we only live once. We don't know what happens after that. So why not make it a good one, full of happiness and little to no regrets. Say yes to happiness! Wear your favorite color, even if others think it's loud. Travel alone, even if people say "it looks bad" for a woman to travel by herself. Shave your head, go backpacking across Europe, volunteer to teach in Peru if that's what you like. Just follow your heart and be safe.


Genghis demands your happiness. Otherwise, he will hit you with this stick.

How do you say yes to happiness?

On the Subject of Weight

Weight is a very personal subject matter. Whatever you do or don't do to your body is a highly individual decision that shouldn't be influenced by society. Friends and/or family are the only ones that I believe have some say on the matter, particularly if you are in a dangerous situation caused by your weight. But, other than that, I don't think anyone should intervene.

My problem is that many blogs/people/media outlets feel it's their business to go around policing people's bodies, in particular, their weight, shape, and size. Apparently, being a certain size is only acceptable in certain situations. And most of these situations are hypersexualized or highly fetishized. In the end, you're not being loved or accepted for yourself. You're being tentatively welcomed in by molding into their notions of what is acceptable in weight, shape, and size. If you don't concede, fit in, you can ship out.

I think I am particularly sensitive to this because my teenage years were spent with a couple of extra pounds on. While I am tall and many people would argue that the weight wasn't that visible, it was visible enough for some people to poke fun at. I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't give the matter much thought, as I honestly considered high school just a pit stop for a greater time in life. What really annoyed me, in the years to come, were the concepts attached to people who carry extra weight and the way that weight loss/gain/etc. was approached.

This all came to a head during a conversation with a good friend of mine. We began talking about a thread on social media that she started innocently enough. A short while ago, there was a "No Fat Talk" week, and she posted about that on Google Buzz. The conversation went well until some people started reacting negatively to the concepts of fat and no fat talk. That is where our dialogue started.

A summary: the article discussed how a "No Fat Talk" week was implemented to avoid negative body image and to reinforce the idea that beauty was not tied to fat. They interviewed people who worked in dance, an area that is rife with heavy pressure to conform to a body beauty ideal. The concept seemed to work well, but there are still body image issues.

While I understand what "No Fat Talk" week is about, I can also see why people were lashing back. Eliminating the word "fat" from our conversation isn't going to eliminate body issues. Oh no. They are still there. If we did not work with positive reconditioning and self-acceptance, the word fat will have an effect, whether or not it is used in conversation. I understand that people use weight as an arbiter of health and attractiveness. For example, "You look great! Did you lose weight!" or "Wow, you've come into your shape." Things like that always point towards weight gain or loss. And we cannot use weight as an arbiter of health, happiness, or style.

My biggest gripe comes from the fact that people focus on weight so much as an issue of fashion or image. Nobody discusses the dangers of weight loss or gain. Done radically or unnecessarily, you put yourself in dangerous situations. Perhaps we should talk about weight in regards to health: physical, emotional, and psychological. After all, you could be skinny, but if you do not work out and keep your body healthy, you could have a plethora of health problems that a person that could be considered overweight (but works out) has.

Weight should not be a measure of happiness. For some, weight loss or gain will come with happiness, but I believe it is derived from the changes we see, not just because we are subjecting ourselves to roles. Happiness comes from accepting yourself and achieving things that make you feel good. My own weight loss brought me happiness not only because I found myself better in a physical image sense, but because my health was very much improved. My back problems got better, my knee pain subsided.

Perhaps this is my biggest problem with fashion lately. With magazines like Vogue Curvy, that feature one type of "curvy" and it is a highly fetishized and sexualized sort. When you have people like Karl Lagerfeld saying things like "Narrow ribcages are the chicest thing." or "The body has to be impeccable. If it's not, buy small sizes and eat less food."

Yes, the body has to be impeccable. Impeccably healthy, impeccably loved, no matter what. You can be the most fantastic looking person on the outside, but if you are emotionally, psychologically, and physically ill, you're not achieving anything.

Remember: your body is your own. You should be healthy, inside and out. There is beauty in all of us, don't let anybody police you into destroying yourself.

Dress Your Best Week: 1

Ever since I stumbled upon AcademiChic's Dress Your Best Week last year, I was...obsessed. I wanted to participate, but I didn't want to do it without AcademicChic's "permission" so to speak. I felt I was stealing their idea if I didn't wait until they decided to do it again.

Thanks to Already Pretty, I can now do it! In her usual links post, she mentioned that AcademiChic was doing it again! And, though a bit late, I'm jumping at the chance to be a part of this.

That said, I do believe you should dress your best every day, week, month, year. But I'll go deeper into that when I do my finishing post for Dress Your Best Week. But I'd really like to thank AcademiChic for doing this again and Already Pretty for giving the heads up.

Dress Your Best: Legs

When I was little, I didn't really pay attention to my legs. But I sure used them. Jumping off roofs, running, dancing, skating, you name it. I was a bit clumsy, but proud and happy that I had two healthy legs that could take me wherever I needed and wanted.

As time passed and I became a teenager, I grew to appreciate my legs. They were toned and athletic, probably thanks to genetic predisposition and years of running around the yard, chasing pets and crazy cousins. However, I had already received the first of several injuries that would make life a little cumbersome today. Worse, I was being harassed by the person I considered my best friend, and one of the things she did was try to demean my somewhat okay self-image.

I was overweight and sensitive about my figure. I was tall, chubby, and to make things worse for a high school kid, I looked nothing like my classmates. Years later I would learn to love my extremely mixed heritage that made me into the person I am today, but back then, it was difficult to stand out like a sore thumb. Worse, I did not want to conform to the societal beaty standards being imposed upon me. All in all, I figured that I had nice legs, a nice butt, and some pretty good shoulders. If anything, I thought that as the years passed, I would grow into my body or change it for the better. As our friendship slowly but surely spiraled into oblivion, she began to say abusive, hurtful things about my personality and my body, in addition to escalating to actual violence.

It's always easier to believe the negative. I wonder why.

For a long time, I thought my legs were horrible. I suddenly noticed all the scars from my childhood adventures. Scars that once brought me pride and happy memories now embarrassed me and pointed out my inadequacy in a teenage world. I wondered if my legs were too thin or pale. I would bite my tongue and take a deep breath whenever she would suggest helpful things, like covering up those legs. It would take a long time to realize that my "friend" was full of utter crap. And even if I was imperfect, I had working parts, and that's all that mattered. I was just the way I supposed to be.

So now, I embrace my legs. Though every once in a while I'll wonder if that girl's taunts were true (chicken stick legs, gee thanks), if they were, it doesn't matter. These legs have helped me walk for miles, run for fun, kick for defense, dance like a dervish, swim in the wondrous sea, and make my way towards those I love. And that is why I dress them to their best. And I think they look pretty darned cute, too.

Outfit details:

Cardigan: Old Navy, $3.50

Dress: Fleamarket, $00.50
Belt: garage sale, $00.25

Shoes: BCBG outlet, $29.00

Join in on the self-love fun!

Having a Budget = I Can't Dress Nice?

About a week or two ago, there was a big brouhaha over a post that Gwyneth Paltrow put up on her website, GOOP. It was a feature on her "essentials", and her items (a dress, sandals, cardigan, and bag) totaled around $18,000. Yes, you read right. Granted, she collaborated with Net-a-Porter. While I know that Ms. Paltrow is accustomed to such a lifestyle, it's particularly disheartening to see that the majority of fashion magazines list as essentials things that cost more that a month's salary.

I understand that most magazines are for inspiration, but they still sell the fantasy. I'm not going to lie and say that my wardrobe lacks expensive things. I love Marc Jacobs; I have a couple of his items that get much wear. However, I generally buy them second-hand through eBay or fashion communities where I can guarantee their authenticity and care. But, I'm getting sidetracked. My point is that I don't have money to burn. I like to save so I can travel and create wonderful memories, not dump all my cash on one dress that I would probably rip thanks to my fantastic agility and grace. Really, I've lost count on how many times I've hooked my clothes on grates, fences, doors, and sundry.

What bugs me even more is when fashion magazines make so-called "budget" features that have items that are well over a hundred dollars. I'm sorry, but I cannot afford to toss around that much money for jeans, much less a t-shirt. What with my bad knees, right foot, and back, I am forced to invest in good shoes that provide proper support, but even then, I make an effort to find said shoe at the lowest price. My most recent expensive buy was a BCBG dress for a friend's wedding. It is beautiful, and I love it to bits. But I cried as I handed over the credit card.

It was only $130.

Call me a miser, a cheapy, a Scrooge, but I'd rather put my money where it counts. Good jewelry that will become family heirlooms, travel, presents for my family and loved ones, money for animal charities, or crafting materials, I'd rather save for that. Whenever I buy something, I figure out the cost per wear and make damn sure that it's worth it, because otherwise, it's sitting in the closet. Doing nothing. Except maybe mocking me.

If I don't buy thrifted or make my own, most of my clothes come from regular stores like Old Navy, Gap, Ann Taylor, and Zara. Kmart and Walmart figure in frequently. I used to shop at Forever 21, but after reading up more on the company's practices, I haven't really stepped foot into the store in around 6 months. If I want something fancy, I go to eBay or the fashion selling groups. And I usually buy at the outlets. Sure, I have a Marc Jacobs, but it was bought on eBay with a steep discount.

Getting back on track, I think that my biggest gripe with the whole thing is how it affects consumers. I feel that magazines, media, everything that is shopping related, send the message that if you do not buy pricey items, then you are not fashionable. That in price point, there is class and quality. That you have class and quality. And I do not appreciate that. I do not want to be held in contempt for wearing something second hand or from an everyday store. I am not my jeans, my top, or my shoes. Clothing doesn't define me, it is simply an accessory that I use to express myself.

What do you think? Do you think magazines should tone it down and present more accessible options? Or are they just fine as is?

I want to hear what you think!

Like a Fine Wine

(Picture taken by me in Georgetown, DC.)

It would be presumptuous of me to say that I'm like a fine wine, but I want to talk about aging in general. Why is it that perceptions agree that wine gets better with age while people do not? People, specially women, are under the age pendulum. That is, each year is a pass of the pendulum. As you grow older, the blade gets closer. Until your "shelf life" is done, and, swoosh! You are doomed to conservative mom jeans and tasteful twin sets forever.

I disagree. While I am only 27, I feel much better now about myself than I did when I was 24 or 19 or 16. I've heard so many people say that high school was "the best time in their life". Aren't they cutting themselves off a little early? Raising the bar too much? Ultimately, they're carving out a self-fulfilling prophecy. In their minds, nothing will compare to those glory days, no matter how many fantastic opportunities cross their way.

We should be like wine. We should say we are such. We get better with age. We grow wiser, settle into our figures, and go about what we want with great determination. After years of struggling with confidence and body issues, I can slowly feel them melting away. Sure, sometimes I look in the mirror and those old teenage/young adult fears pop back, but they flutter away in a second. At look at myself and say, "You're pretty." And while sometimes it's still hard to believe (thanks to years of abusive friendships/relationships and low self-esteem), it's easier to look in the mirror and agree.

I refuse to believe that just because I'm nearing 30, I'm old news. I refuse to believe that being anything over a size 4 is a failure and that I'm not beautiful because of it. I refuse to believe that there are no chances left and that I will never achieve what I'm working for. I refuse to believe all the negative energy that soul-sucking people mete out, simply because it just takes away so much time and effort from the pursuits one really wants. It's a waste! Don't throw away your time thinking about these things, just concentrate on the here and now.

The glory days are not done. I repeat, not done. Far from it. Each day, we are carving our own paths and heading in the right direction. Our direction. Following our dreams, whatever they may be. I know mainstream media is trying to hype that 30/40/50 are the new 20/30, but guess what? Behind the marketing lies a veritable truth. We do get better with age. We learn, mature, and grow into ourselves, becoming more beautiful and stronger thanks to the lessons learned and the poise we've developed.

So let's go get a glass of wine and celebrate!

It's not you, it's them

Sometimes, you'll be wearing an outfit and you'll be all, damn yo. I look good. You're going to be riding high on the wave of self-esteem and accomplishment. You feel good and your outfit reflects that. All of a sudden, you walk by someone and they give you The Look.

You know, The Look. Not I Have Romantic Intentions With You look. Or the You're in Big Trouble! look. Nor am I talking about Roxette's song The Look. The Look. The Look that decimates all the good mood you had until that point. It could either mean, oh just look at you in your silly outfit. Or, ugh, I hate you and your clothes. It can mean a bunch of things. Point is, you got The Look.

What does it mean, why did you get it? What did you do to deserve it? Did you accidentally step on any toes? Did dressing your best actually offend somebody? Did you forget to wear deodorant or brush your teeth? Speaking of teeth, is some of my lunch still on them? Those are just some of the questions that buzz through many of our minds when The Look happens. But worry not. Why? Because it's not about you; it's all about them.

Sometimes when we dress, feel, or just plain ol' act our best, we intimidate people. And it's not like we mean to. We might dress our best as a shield, but it's our shield. It's meant to make us feel better, not make others feel bad. So why do people react? Why do I say that it's all about them? Their looks usually reflect insecurities and frustrations. They may feel insecure about their outfit or the work they are doing, and when they see somebody looking or doing better than them, well. They can be hurt and confused on how to react. And sometimes, they don't react in the best way.

So what do you do when this happens? Well, keep your chin up. Ignore it. Smile. Maybe when you do that, the other party will see how silly they've been. If they continue to glare at you, you could consider asking them if everything is okay. Maybe that will jar them out of their haterrific stupor. Point is, don't let them get to you. They're being silly. If you let them affect you, you're hurting both yourselves. They're hating themselves because they're engaging in unhealthy emotional practices (judging themselves against you, expressing it immaturely) and you're hurting yourself because it may be a blow to your self-esteem, your day, your perceptions, among other things.

I think that, instead of being petty and acting out that way, those people should simply stop and reevaluate themselves. Why are they acting out this way? What makes them feel threatened? If it's just envy, well, what do they envy? Is that person dressing their best and you feel like you look bad? Is that person in good shape and you feel you've let yourself go? Ponder the why of your actions and instead of using those feelings to glare at the other person, employ them in empowering yourself. Promise yourself you'll work out. Make a commitment to planning your outfits and looking your best. Don't let it turn from a momentary lapse in good judgement into a Look!

How would you react? What would you or have you done in the face of The Look? Do you let it get you down? Or, have you given The Look? Why?