No class.

Today I couldn't give my first class because I couldn't find parking anywhere. I found parking about twenty minutes too late and when I got to the classroom all that was left was a student from the other section and the attendance list ever-so-kindly made by my students.

I promptly fired off an e-mail explaining why I was MIA and also telling them what we will do next class. Missing this class is just another sign that today is a bad day. I woke up feeling anxious and crappy, cried in the car on the way over to school, and then didn't find parking. Grr.

As for what teaching in general is like, it's been okay. The most frustrating part is that the students in my second section are slacking off. This makes me very angry. I try to get them to talk and to cooperate but there's one of them that refuses to speak English (he says he's in Puerto Rico, he doesn't have to speak English). There's another that, while funny, keeps disrupting the class with his comments. And then there's one that always keeps staring and giggling at me.

The one comforting thing is that they all seem comfortable enough with me to talk to me. They approach me after class and while some of them are shy, most of them aren't afraid to raise their hand and have me check their writing. Which is cool.

I'm being so disorganized though. I have to get my rollbook in gear. I have to prepare a pre-assessment rubric (though I have one, all I have to do is tweak it). Quite honestly, most of my free time is spent sleeping and avoiding thought in general. I hate my grad class and I haven't done anything for my thesis. I just wish I could drop out of the program.

I think a lot of people wonder what the hell happened to me. I used to be so driven, so enthusiastic. Now I just don't care. I've even thought about taking down the blog, since I don't have any desires to do anything. I don't know.

Well, I'd better try to do something so...catch you all later.

Back in the low again.

So after a very good couple of days I'm back in the shits. And I really mean it. I was close to a breakdown this morning.

I know everyone says that it's my choice to get out and I've really been trying. Cualquiera diria. It just keeps mutating into an even worse hideous monster that I can't control. My obsessive thoughts become worse and worse and I just become more and more closed off.

I just wish I could reboot. Restart. Be who I was again. But, I know that that's never going to happen.

Well, that was "fun."

I got out of my first class a while ago. Massacre, pain, suffering. At least, that's what I think.

The students just kept staring at me and one of them kept laughing, which made me feel uncomfortable and I just burst out and asked him: Is there something funny?

I think I lost my cool. I thought I had it under control. Hi, I'm freaking out.

My respect for teachers has gone up. You have to have real thick skin in order to be a teacher...

Lesson Plans.

I'm sitting here trying to conjure up my lesson plans for my class. I have a very brief mental outline of how I want the class to proceed, but fleshing it out is proving to be difficult. I have to read the books so I can figure out what to teach and what not to teach.

Part of being a teaching assistant means having to attend certain workshops and seminars. I didn't go to today's seminar because I had appointments with both the psychiatrist and the psychologist. The good news is that I'll be going off of one of the pills soon. I want to be off medication as soon as possible. The bad news is that I still get my ups and downs. And I feel so indifferent towards everything now.

I haven't been very keen to blogging lately. I feel like I have nothing to say. That could also be motivated by my feeling in a linguistic limbo: not really clear between thinking in Spanish or English. I'd better get back to English fast since I'm going to be teaching in it.

Excuse me, Professor...

I've been needing a new job, that much has been clear for the past...oh, two months, thanks to my berating and whining about being penniless. But, avast, me hearties, Stella has a new job. That's right. I will be a teaching assistant at my school. Cue deep breath.

I'm fairly sure that there are some people out there mocking me, since I said I would never be a teacher. And I hope that after this stint of teaching, I won't be a teacher again. But I need the money and the experience. At least I have help and support rallied around me. My mom's a teacher, so there will be a lot of me going "Mooooooooom!" and asking for help.

The course I'll be teaching is Intermediate Writing and there will probably be lots of freshmen there. I just hope that I will come across as a firm but flexible teacher and that they won't try to push me around. I'll try to make the class as fun and painless as possible, but I'm not going to kill myself. I've got more important things to do, like getting well.

As for my depression, I've been feeling fairly okay. I'm diagnosed with a light depression, a dysthimia if you will. I still have my ups and downs, and, as I write this, I'm afraid that I jinx myself and cause a down just by mentioning it.

So here's to surviving this next year! At least I'll be able to wear all those work/professional clothes I've been hoarding in my closet for such a long time...

Things I would wear to work.

If I had a real, nice paying job as an editor or fashion journalist, this is what I would wear all the time. Dresses! Diane Von Furstenberg dresses, at that. They're classy and practical...you can just throw one on and look great in minutes. Here are a few examples of her craft, brought to you by Net-a-porter.



All dresses are around 350 dollars. Not bad for designer...or at least, that's what I think!

More Forever 21 goodness.

Wouldn't this puppy look great with leggings and those Steve Madden mary janes? :D

Forever 21, 13.80

Here.

I have to stop making these request posts...seriously, it's not like anything fits in my closet anymore!

Steve Madden drama.

I decided to peruse Steve Madden and I found these. I figured they are a better deal than the ones from Target since they are real leather. But the problem is that it keeps telling me that I haven't provided the exact billing address that my banks requests. Which is retarded.

I guess I'm going to have to ask someone else to buy these for me. Dangit. But, aren't they cute? And they're leather!

So yeah, Vivi, this means I don't want the Target ones, I'm going to concentrate in trying to get these. Thanks though! I guess I'm going to have to harass Nydia or something...

Here is the link.

The end of Harry Potter. (Warning, spoilers.)

So I finished the last Harry Potter book today. Boy, was it a ride. I can't believe they killed Hedwig and Lupin and Tonks and Fred. Why did they have to go and kill one of the Weasley twins....man. Not cool.

I am glad that Ron and Hermione finally get it together. In the most hilarious of ways, if I may add.

I feel bad for Snape, but in a way, I'm glad. I've always liked Snape, for some reason. Finally, he gets some vindication.

Oh. And I'm glad that Harry doesn't die. Really.

Well, those are my reactions to the book. I think the epilogue was a tad corny, but, oh well.

If I were crazy...

...I'd stay up all night so I could finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. After all, I'm already on page 455. They're all a bunch of 'tards, I tell you.

Yet another shopping request post.

Yes, another shopping request. These babies are from Target, their Xhilaration line, and are only 19.99. Vivi or Nydia, would it be possible for any of you to get these for me in a size 10? I'd order them from Target, but Target doesn't ship here and Amazon doesn't have the shoes either...

I like these shoes because lately I have a thing for Mary Janes and since I can't afford the Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes (well, I can afford them, it's just not a wise financial decision for me...), I resort to these. They're pretty cute!

So Vivi, Nydia, please tell me if either of you could pick these up for me! Thanks....

And if any of you are interested in viewing the webpage, here it is!

Attention Shoppers!

Alright. So this is another shop request. If anyone can, would you mind picking up this top for me? It's from Forever 21.

Here is the link to the tunic. I'd buy it myself only there are no Forever 21s in Puerto Rico and the website doesn't ship to PR. Suck.

Thanks to anyone who can help!

The Sweet Escape!

So I have returned from the metropolitan area, bearing shopping and pictures from the Gwen Stefani concert...

The concert was good, I was dancing most of the time (except when I got really tired and sleepy, but that's what happens when you're old and medicated). My only problem was that it was a bit too short. Oh well. The seats were great, Klo was having a cow at how close we were (and we were worried she might just run off and try to kidnap Gwen).

These are the two best pictures I took. Or at least, I feel like they are! Feel free to check the rest of the pictures (they are precious few) on Flickr. :)

Facebook.

So yeah, I caved in and joined the hordes of humanity that extensively used Facebook. I had an account, just so I could see a friend's pictures, but my boyfriend got it too and eventually, the egging on began. So yeah. I am now in my old school's network, with my old classmates, something I never thought I'd do.

However, I made a mistake. I put up the link to this blog on my profile. Why is this a mistake? Well, quite honestly, I'm not interested in having more people know about my situation, much less people I went to school with and used to make fun of me extensively. So I corrected that mistake and erased the link to this page. I doubt (and I hope) that anyone actually followed the link to this page, and if they did, uhm. Please stop visiting? Heh...

Last night was not a good night, I won't go into details. Suffice it to say that I feel numb and I don't really care about anything right now. Which kind of sucks because today is the Gwen Stefani concert, and I'm going with friends: the Boobies. I'm afraid I will suck the fun out of today with my attitude. I can't really talk about what happened without ruining anyone's day so...le screwed.

I hope the concert is good. After all, we paid good money for those seats. I hope we don't get lost trying to get to El Choliseo, but, that's probably going to happen. Adventures in Puerto Rico, yay? I will try to sneak in my camera. If not, oh well. I say oh well a lot, don't I?

Potter.

So we went to see the new Harry Potter movie and let me tell you, I didn't like it...I felt it was poorly executed in comparison to the other Potter films. No se. It was just slow and it didn't really have a rising, a climax, or a wrap-up...

Next week the final Potter novel is coming out. And guess who's going to get it? That's right, me. Damian pre-ordered it for me... :) I want to know what happens...I wonder how the thick the book is going to be, too...oh well, I guess all will be revealed this next weekend.

Your wardrobe staple?

So yes, I think it's pretty much decided that my wardrobe staple is a dress. After all, I have 80+ of those hanging in my closet. And I just bought two yesterday when I went with the novio to Ponce. So I'm wondering, and I don't know if I should actually expect a response but, what is everyone's wardrobe staples? Your go to outfit/clothes item/accessory that you go to always to feel comfy and good at the same time?

Fashion Blogs.

Since I really haven't been in the mood to post about anything, I've decided to compile a list of fashion blogs for those readers of mine that are into fashion.

The Sartorialist
Nitrolicious
Style Bubble
My So-Called Expat Life

Those are my four main reads. Here are two that are recommended reads.

I am fashion
Fashionologie

H & M Petition

Darling readers of my blog...

If any one of you lives near an H & M, I would appreciate it if you could get a little something for me! This jacket, to be exact. :)

It's 49.90, and I'm more than willing to pay for it with my credit card through PayPal.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...

(Photo courtesy of Nitrolicious.com)

The new buy.

Sooo, usually I get myself a little present each semester, be it a trip or a nice article of jewelry or clothing, etc. You get my drift. Since I didn't get myself anything special last semester, I decided to get it now.

I purchased a Marc Jacobs Softy Weekender Tote off eBay and I'm very excited. I really like this bag. It's perfect as a carry on bag. I'm trying to see its potential as a weekender though. But it's doable.

Here are pictures of my new toy...


Oh yes, it's big.

100th post.

I wish it was much cheerier, but I'm not feeling great so...ever since last night I haven't wanted to leave my room. I leave it only for necessary things, like food and bathroom.

I had a good couple of days this past week. 4-5 days of actually feeling good and hopeful and affectionate, similar to how I was before this. Sadly, the good feeling started to fade when I went to the psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. Maybe it's because I hate going to them or maybe because my psychiatrist wants to switch my medication. Again.

I've considered seeking treatment in the form of medical hypnosis before, and I'm beginning to consider it again since medication isn't working and I don't think therapy is working either. I don't know what I'll do, honestly.