The weird dreams continue.

So I've mentioned before my unfortunate and continuing nightmares featuring terminators. Well, this morning they got even better...

I dreamt that the Kyle Reese character and Michael Jackson were both my fathers. And we were trying to run away from the terminators. My dreams just keep getting randomer and randomer. And Christian Bale isn't there to save me anymore. Shit.

(I don't think Damian likes the Christian Bale part.)

Anyway. Another recent crazy dream featured Clive Owen and Damian. Clive Owen wanted to marry me. So clearly, my subconscious is a little haywire lately.

(I don't think Damian likes the Clive Owen part either. Oh well!)

I'm a bit tired and definitely wondering what rollercoaster ride tonight's sleep will bring, hopefully not nightmares of job interviews. I think today's interview went well and I sincerely hope I did not just shoot (hell, blow my damn foot off) myself on the foot by saying that. At the very least, I thank them very much for their time (and patience with my getting lost).

And now, to sleep. If not sleep, then do some DIY patterns or sowing. I'm so inspired (or at least, driven) lately!

Four more.

Just got done sending off my resumé to four more companies. Have an interview later on today. Let's hope that goes well...

And now to bed, because my undereye circles are truly quite terrifying. I look like something out of a Japanese horror film.

G'night!

Edit: OH MY GOD JESUS.

The desktop, for some reason, doesn't have a PDF reader. What? Why? I stop using this computer frequently and this is what happens?

Have had to convert resumé into .jpg in order to print...geh.

Seriously, good night.

Trinity ring.

Is that what they're called?

Either way, I've always wanted one, but I've always felt that that's something you should give or receive, as I've been taught that they represent infinity/eternity and that's something you usually associate with love.

Or what I've been told can be a barrel full of baloney for all I know.

If you're interested, this version is from Forever 21, and only $2.80! I may just give up and get one myself if I find myself in San Juan when they open with three dollars to spare.

And totally justify the purchase by saying that the love one has for oneself must/should exceed the love with invest in other people. But then, isn't that something one says to justify when they're too deep in?

Rage Against.

Part of me is sure that I'm crossing over to that dark, embittered side that is eerily similar to that of the people I dislike, perhaps even hate. I don't think I utterly hate anyone, but I definitely feel a strong opposite emotion to the affection I once held for them.

Furthermore, I've been just seething. Angry. Angry at people. Angry at what they don't appreciate. Bitching at what they've lost when they don't see what they still have. It's not envy, it's anger. Not envy because I realize that I make of life what I want and I'm doing the best I can to get there. Anger because these people are just wasting away opportunities out of pure pettiness. Anger because they destroy things at will, without thinking of what effect their actions have on whomever.

I fear I've become what I hate: those people who just seethe. But I'm so full of anger. So full of anger. I get angry at people because I wonder if they realize what they do or if they just live in their egocentric bubble and ignore the effects of their actions in other people's lives. This has been bubbling up under my skin for so long it seems, but in reality it was just exacerbated by certain events in the past few months. How can people live with themselves when they just associate with other people who perpetuate falsehoods and hate? How can they tolerate themselves when they mete out prejudiced decisions without hearing every side of the story? Furthermore, how dare they act like there is nothing wrong?

Sadly, I must forcibly interact with some of these people and it makes me feel like it's eating my soul inside. I have to deal with these idiots who live on their high horse and believe they are the center of the universe. Or maybe it's just a lie they tell themselves because they have things they don't want to face.

And stupid me, sometimes I just want to sit down and talk to people. Ask them why. Why do you do this. Why do you treat us this way? But I can't because part of me refuses to believe that there are people like that in this world.

I'm sick of having people talk behind my back and then act as if nothing was wrong. Fuck you and your overblown ideas of yourself. Stop projecting your fears and insecurities onto me. I don't do that to you. Hell, I've supported people through some decisions that are perhaps questionable, but all I've said was that it was that person's choice and whatever they chose I would back them up.

This is what you get for trying to let people live their own lives. I get dramatic ultimatums, unexplained cutoffs, hypocrisy, disappointment, seething comments, and of course, the almighty attitude of self-righteousness. But perhaps they're doing me a favor. I mean, who would want such negative entities in their lives, correct?

But this anger is far too rooted to just let go. I want to know why. What did I ever do to deserve such platitudes. I truly do not think it's jealousy because I have nothing for anyone to be jealous about. I am just a human being trying to make good of herself and trying to help others. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I have conditions that at times have debilitated my life so much to the point of not eating, not sleeping, just barely existing for days or weeks. But I cannot let this get to me, because then, when I die, what will I have to say for myself? That I quit? It's not like I have not done it, but I have to find a good worthwhile reason to. And then think hard. And then push myself not to. Because then I'll think I'm just another fuck-up that's not worth another get-go.

Maybe this venting will help me close a chapter in my life. Maybe by releasing all that into the universe, it's gone. I feel a bit better, but I'm scared that, deep down, in the bottom, there is still some hurt left. And sadly, I think I will never forgive the hurt. It seems like I can't pardon those who judge without asking questions first. Who act without thinking what the other person feels. Who don't even seemingly consider that that other person might just need their help, not their complaint. I've been sick, so sick to the point where I feared dying and so few stayed the course. Some tried, but quit, and I can accept that. What I cannot accept was the reactions of some. I am truly appreciative of those who have been with me through the years, who helped me through this hellhole that I've had to crawl through and out of. Perhaps you will never know how much you mean to me because I can never really place such things into spoken words. But you where there for me and I hope that something as dark never happens to you. If it does, I will pray that I will be there for you as you where for me. But I sincerely wish it does not.

I hope this is a chapter anew. I hope that these feelings will just rot into the soil and then come back as something different, something positive, after being processed. I'm just through dealing with such people. I simply do not need their stuff. I have enough dark places to sort through of my own, I don't need your petty insecurities, fears, or whatever it is you may feel in regards to me, my life, my decisions, etcetera. I don't need your dark cloud hanging over me. If I am to fail, let it be on my own, of my own volition. If I fail, let it be because I thought I was doing the right thing for myself, not for you or anyone else.

(Of course, this last statement does not apply to self-destructive behavior. In any case, get me out of that, stat. Or, if all fails, let me get through my marinating process and be sure I don't do something utterly stupid.)

Sorry if I have inundated your day with negative thoughts, it was not my intention. But I needed to let out all these dark thoughts that were festering inside. I just needed to let it all out and put it out there, let it go. Dissipate. I feel much lighter now. As if a weight has been lifted off.

Thanks for putting up with this, everyone. Again, hope this was not a downer. Good night!

Thesis denial.

What have I been up to lately? Literally, nothing much. Tutoring, trying to get back in shape but failing miserably, sowing, and now, trying to find flights to Heathrow but nothing going. Gatwick or Luton. Neither option is entirely appealing due to it's distance from London.

Working on/off on my thesis, having nightmares every night (with Terminator(s) in the starring role, awesome), looking at old pictures and feeling like a loser because I'm not taking care of myself as I should be. I'm also trying to cheer myself up and not think about everything I've lost, but what I've gained. Sometimes that goes well. Sometimes, not so great.

Fashionable ex-con?

I finally finished the graphic design project: now I'm just waiting to hear if they have any comments or changes to be made. But it is done! Now I can completely focus on my thesis, photography, and DIY projects like this one:

My dog decided to make an appearance...I don't mind, but these are the only decent shots I got! The others consisted of her jumping up and down to get my attention. And I've got my summer clothes on: it's far too hot and humid to contemplate jeans or sleeves at this point.

Anyway, this was the first stage of the cardigan. I'm almost finished adding some extra fabric to the front, so I will update with that. Some might say it's too much strip, but I beg to differ...though I have my own particularly graphic and odd tastes, so it's clear I may think it's normal and others not! ;)

The DIY continues.

I bought this skirt around two months or more ago, but it was too long. It hit a bit longer than mid-calf. Since I love bright pronounced prints, I couldn't pass it up and at .75 cents I was willing to fix it up myself.

Since it's too hot to do anything but sit in front of the fan and work, that's precisely what I've been doing lately. Catching up on all my DIY and working on my design projects. I had cut the excess fabric, but had yet to hem it. I decided that today was the day et voilá. A summer skirt that can be dressed up or down. I'm wearing it decidedly down because, honestly, it's too hot to put any effort on anything but properly ventilated outfits.

I feel like my face looks utterly silly in the picture, but, oh well. It's summer, it's hot, and I'm not going to wear any make-up right now.

Maybe it's a little too camp or weird, but I like it!

DIY Hairchain.

Not the best pic ever, but it will do, no?

Some time ago, I started this headband (headchain? hairchain?) after being inspired by the blog Childhood Flames. Originally it had some fabric too, but I didn't like it. I told myself I was going to change it, but I kept putting it in the backburner until yesterday when I found it and decided it was now or never. And I quite like how it looks. I'm also planning on making a single chain headband since I think it will look pretty and interesting, a lone chain adorning one's hair!

Today I was also up to making my friend Jen's birthday present. It isn't much since I'm strapped for cash, but I think it's nice...I edited, printed out and framed some pictures of her and her husband from their wedding and from our trip to New Orleans. The first one is a total surprise since I never showed them the pics I took at their wedding. But I'm not going to put them up here since that's their private life. But they're really cute.

Other than that, nothing much. Just going to continue working on the design project, tutor a teenager (yay additional summer gig!), and DIY a lot. In addition to writing my thesis, oh but of course...Most of the DIY will consist of sowing some thrifted stuff. I really want to finish fixing up a romper I bought months ago, but have had no time to focus on.

Until the next post! Let's see if my schedule let's up. And my sunburn stops hurting. Yum.

X marks the spot...

This was not done on purpose...



I diligently apply and reapply sunblock when I go to the beach. I usually use 75 SPF, but this time I took 50 SPF because that's what I found in my cabinet. Yesterday, Damian and I went to the beach with my cousin and her husband and we did apply sunblock a couple of times. And this still happened. That's how nasty the sun can be in Puerto Rico.

We ended up snorkeling (for the first time ever together, first time in years separately) and seeing some nice stuff. But I also imagine that perhaps that's what caused this. Right now I'm engaging in an aloe, cocoa butter, and vitamin E cream regimen to calm down the pain. Because it hurts.

Other than that, lots of work on a design project (including working for three days on something that was just a background) and DIY projects that are part of the I'm-so-burnt-I-can't-really-do-anything condition I'm in. Will keep posting later on.

Maybe later?

I was going to do a post, but right now I'm just too exhausted...I've been working over 11 hours on a design project and I'm burnt out. For now, I distract you with canine cuteness:


Picture taken while doing a photoshoot for another project, which will hopefully be paid more attention to soon...

Busy, busy, busy, & nerd porn.

I've been meaning to blog for a while here, but life has other plans. I've been getting called literally everyday these past two weeks for appointments and such so I've had very little time to blog. I managed to score a tutoring gig for the summer, so yay for income! So now I have the design gig and tutoring, plus my thesis occupying me. Additionally, my cousin from New York decided to drop by as a surprise, so there's been a lot of catching up. On a sadder note, my grandfather has to move (after hitting 80 and living in the same place for almost 20 years...how cruel) so we're helping him out as best we can. That last bit is very sad and it's hit grandpa very hard, so we're trying to be as supportive and helpful as possible.

When I've had time, I've managed to sneak in a few DIY projects here and there. I finished the stud blazer, so when I can I will put pictures up of that. I also started working on a studded shirt. Both of these projects were inspired by Mimi Jeung of Brook & Lyn and Zana of Garbage Dress. But I will put pictures up when it's not 12:50 AM. Instead, I'll leave you with a picture of some books that arrived a little bit ago. I bought these at the PCA/ACA (Popular Culture Association/American Culture Association) joint conference at New Orleans, Louisiana. I haven't been able to read them yet as my time has been consumed by other unexpected activities. I want to dive into my pile of nerd porn! But I have been denied!



Until the next post, take care everyone!

The good things: one of two Hs.

So in my previous self-lamenting post I had mentioned that there were some good things that kept me barely hanging on and this is one of them:


One of the conferences I presented at was the ACLA annual meeting held at Harvard University. The funny thing was, when I applied, I didn't know it was at Harvard so when I got accepted it was a bit of a shock, really. And my family and friends dropped their contents, which was hilarious. But it was all thanks to my friend Gerard who suggested the topic! If he hadn't suggested the topic, I wouldn't have had a paper to submit.

Other than that, presenting at Harvard was a pretty amazing experience. Boston was, for me, unexpectedly small...I could walk everywhere without really needing the to use the subway. And, dear clam gods, why did nobody ever tell me about clam chowder before? Delicious! I went to Salem, which was a bit of a let down (or maybe it was just getting utterly lost in the rain and fog). The only thing that bothered me was that a lot of things were closed because of the season. Which was a bummer because there were a lot of things I was interested in doing that were unavailable.

And the other thing: the weather. Nobody told me that it was going to be like this 95.9% of the time:


But still, it was good. I'm developing a tolerance to colder weather. And I had one of the best egg tarts I've eaten ever!

There will be more upbeat posts later...

It's been a month since I last blogged and it's due to a mixture of high levels of busy and distraught. Some good things have occurred, and I try to think about them to keep me afloat, but it's been difficult. I realize that some people may be surprised because I haven't mentioned any of this, but I don't like talking about what happens to me. I have a hard time opening up and talking about things.

The first thing that has me upset is that one of my dogs may have a tumor. The vet put her under treatment to see if it was an infected abscess that hasn't broken, but no dice...so it's highly probable it's a tumor. The worse is that she is old (we've had her for almost twelve years and she came to our house as an adult) and that the location of the tumor makes it almost impossible to eliminate. She's been doing okay so far, she doesn't seem in pain at all, but needless to say I am gutted. There's been a lot of crying because, come on, I love my dogs. And thinking that she may die in a lot of pain, or worse, that I may have to make the decision of putting her down literally makes me sick. So far Damian is the only one that I've told because I haven't felt like speaking about it at all. I just feel like spending as much time with my dogs as possible.

Second, jobs. Everyone knows that the job market sucks monkey gonads and I'm really feeling it right now. I've secured a freelance job until late June, but that's it. That's all I have. And I've applied to around...14 jobs. I've only gotten four replies. And most of them were: sorry, full! Or, we have no money so it would have to be pro-bono. I'm holding it for two that may have some hope, but I don't want to get my spirits up.

Third, but closely tied to second, money. All of my available money is currently compromised towards another conference I will be going to later in the year, but I will talk about that in another post. I'm really glad that I got accepted (only 35 people were selected to present), but it's going to be very expensive. So everything I make off this freelance gig is going to the Intelligentsia Conference Fund (aka Stella's savings to go to conferences). I'm okay with eating lunch at home (it's healthier and it saves money), but it really stresses me out that I have to ask my parents to help me out. As someone who has been working for such a long time, to find myself in a position where I have to ask for help really hurts me. It makes me think that there's something wrong with me, not with the job market (though I am aware that I am over-qualified for most jobs out there).

Fourth, and quite possibly the straw that broke the camel's back, is academia. I was supposed to defend this summer. Meaning, I was supposed to finish. But yesterday I got an e-mail from one of my committee members saying that that committee member in particular would not be available from less than two weeks onward. Despite my previously speaking to this committee member about my urgency to defend in summer. Needless to say, it was like a slap in the face. It just took the wind out of me and right now I feel aimless. I'm still going to finish my thesis in summer, but now I have to defend in fall. In addition, I haven't received papers from the school I'm going to apply to so now I have to go through the dog and pony show of having the request them all over again.

There are good things, yes. I'm trying to hang on to those. But right now, these things are overwhelming me. Not to mention friends who are going through unsettling situations that worry me about their well-being.

I guess that will be all for my first post in a month. I didn't mean for it to be a negative post, but that's what I needed to let out right now. The following posts will be about the good things that have happened (and are happening) and the DIY projects I've been doing. Since lack of money means having to bust out the fabric and sewing skills. Which I don't mind because it is practice.

Pride, Predujice, Zombies?

Don't really care what most critics think, I definitely have to read this book...and I need to own it, if just for the cover. Are there posters?

(Morbid, I know.)

I'm finally back and done with conferences for now. Now my primary concern is finishing this semester and school altogether. Without losing my mind of course. I am currently concentrating on just getting through these next three weeks and finding a job. The job is the most urgent need, honestly. I'll finish school this year (hopefully), but I won't walk until next year so...priority number one: job.

I seriously contemplated a design degree, but staying here is not attractive to me at all. The degree would be a back-up to the back-up of the main plan. Let's see how that goes.

I'll post on New Orleans later. I still have to upload my pictures! Until then, good night!

BRB, NOLA.

Hey guys. I'm a horrible blogger, there, I said it.

Now that that's out of the way, blogging will resume when I either have some free time here or when I get back to PR.

Peace!

All day, working on a resumé...

Oh no, that rhymed.

But yes, it's true. I've been working for several hours straight on this damn thing. Complete and total redesign. I think it looks much cleaner, sophisticated, and mature than my first attempt. I'm tempted to include pictures of both here, but the old one is just too embarrassing for me. So here you go. A peek at my new one.

Tiny peek, I know. But it's almost 2:30 AM, I am exhausted, and I took a screen cap. Woo.

Goodnight everyone. Busy couple of days coming up.

1920s: At the beach?

Oh no.

Not another hat!

I think my weakness for hats (and 20s-30s style hats) is well documented here. So really, there's no need to explain away this puppy. But my question is, will it work?

Since I'll be in the US again next week, I think I'm going to try to hunt this puppy down at a Forever 21 store...see how it looks on...but I just think it looks too cute to pass up.

And there will be another hat for Damian to plop atop his head so he can take silly pictures. And then put them on a social networking site. With me looking all weird.

So anyway. In addition to next week's business and cavorting, tickets have been booked for spring break! This means Stella needs a job for this summer! If anybody has any graphic design needs, needs an English/Spanish translator/interpreter, personal shopper, or editorial assistant then I am your girl! Hire me!

They call me Hamfoot.

DSCN1443
Originally uploaded by chromachord

Yes, I've been away again. Simply no time to blog. Consumed by thesis and preparation for conferences. That and the lovely incident with an anthill that left my foot looking like a leg of ham. Really. You can ask Damian about that.

To entertain you, I leave you with a video of the drag queen competition/talent show I stumbled upon with a conference friend on my last night in Albuquerque. This kind of thing doesn't happen back home!

Sick (Alcove kiva).

Alcove Kiva.
Originally uploaded by chromachord.

Just wanted to entertain you whilst I nurse a damn cold. Funny, I got sick upon my return from the cold desert, not while there...

Anyway.

This picture was taken at Bandelier National Monument while I was in New Mexico this past week. I went there for academic reasons (conference), but hey! One can always sneak in a little fun too, no?

By the way, I had to climb up the side of a mountain to get this picture. To be exact, four sets of wooden ladders and walking around a cliff face for a total of 140 feet. I am terrified of heights, so panic attacks where involved.

Enjoy while I attempt to sleep. Will post more soon. Hopefully. I am so swollen I could barely get my rings on and off, so fashion and life are all about comfort at this point.

So long, Albuquerque.

Hope to swing this way again!

I'll be leaving in a little more than 12 hours: heading back home. Albuquerque has been pretty awesome. I apologize for the lack of blogging (and commenting!) but you'd think that this particular hotel would have more than 3 computers for it's multitude of guests. No. Just 3. Everybody, DUKE IT OUT.

Get it? Duke City? Albuquerque? Aw, shucks.

Well, blogging will hopefully resume once I get back home and get into the swing of things. Am sick with a cold. Desert dryness + change of seasons = messed up innards.

Everyone: stay classy.