More "good" news.

Yesterday I found out that I only work until the 4th of May. And that I probably won't be coming back next semester. No, I wasn't fired, but they just took away the funds for student assistants so I am, once again, back on the job market.

Brokeness, I do not welcome thee!

Also, my darling Jones New York umbrella broke and so did my aviator sunglasses. Woo.

I might be depressed, but I still like shoes.

We, and by we I mean what's left of my normal self and the self that has succumbed to The Crazy, interrupt our regularly scheduled depression to bring you forth these. I've been looking for stacked mary janes for a while, but I want them in patent. Is there anywhere I could find them in patent? Otherwise, I'd just have to order these...

Which I shouldn't because, yeah. I have enough. But I really want patent mary janes. Like these Christian Louboutins. However, I do not have 710 dollars to pay for them. Well, I have the money, I'm just not in the position to chuck 710 dollars for shoes right now. Oh well.

Back to your regularly scheduled emoness.

Update on my riveting existence.

There are only 7 days left of class and work for me, spaced out between these next three weeks. You'd expect me to be over joyed and jumping off of things, but I'm not. The depression has gotten worse, I just hope it's related to pressure from all the school work I have to do. I've been in a state of catatonia lately, I really don't care about anything. I'm avoiding everyone and I'm barely getting any sleep... I keep waking at hideously early times. I'm switching psychologists because the one that was attending me was a family friend and that isn't recommended when you're getting therapy.

I was supposed to take summer school but the class wasn't signed, but I think it's better anyway. I have little to no desire to continue studying so hopefully, this summer will do me good.

Honestly, I'm tired of fighting and seeing little results. Yeah, I'm a quitter. I just keep hoping that it'll go away. I know this post will frustrate everyone who reads it, but I feel like I can't do anything anymore. I've pondered putting this blog on hiatus, but...at least this gives me something to do.

I've, at least, finished my essay leftover from last semester and started on my final projects. The multimodal presentation is about...70% done and my 6010 course project is about 55% done. I would like to get all As, since I'm one of those people that isn't happy unless she has a 4.00, but, I really don't know. I don't know if the quality of my work has suffered with this depression. Most probably.

Riveting.

So I finally finished transcribing the main text of the chapter I was assigned to make a digital copy of. Now all that's missing are 74 footnotes. Woo! Fear my excitement, oh yes, fear it.

Since I'm sick and tired of transcribing and I needed a break otherwise my eyes would rot and ooze out from my sockets, I decided to start reading Journey in the Dark, the Pulitzer Prize winning novel from Martin Flavin! (/sarcasm) It's one of the class texts and I have an essay due tomorrow and I'm ahead at work so. I figured. I should start reading it and save some of the footnote transcribing for later since there's nothing else to do for the week. Except ship out a CD but that's all. No biggie.

Vivi, just wanted to tell you that the dress I wanted, it's not on the website anymore, and that means it should be in the stores soon. :/

Not friends with misery.

You know, I was honest to goodness feeling better, looking forward to my life after depression, and then, what do you know, more shit. There are moments when I honestly can't take it anymore, so I break down in hysterics because I feel that I'm not myself and that depression is robbing me of everything I was.

Everybody tells me this is cyclical and that there will be ups and downs, but, honestly, I can't take it. It's driving me even more insane. I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and everything will be how it was, but I doubt that. But you get tired of trying. You get tired of busting your ass and seeing such little and fleeting results.

Bought into the legging trend.

So I finally gave in and bought some leggings to match my Lux Eiffel Tower tunic from Urban Outfitters. Thank God they were on sale because I feel so cheap using leggings since they're such a trend. However, it seems I can pull off the look quite well so I don't feel that bad. I'm wearing them tomorrow with the tunic for a presentation during my Materials & Testing class. Wee.

In other news, there isn't really much to tell. Allergies, going up and down, worrying about school and other things. Story of my days. I can't wait till this is over and I'm back to being myself.

On a more fashion related note, I saw this darling Marc by Marc Jacobs tote and I can't help but want it. It's 458 dollars though. Ouch. Still, the color is gorgeous, the hardware is just right, and I've been told that the leather is so soft and buttery...agh, why don't I have some sort of high paying editorial job, hm?

Crunch time.

Yesterday I realized that there are less than four weeks of class and I have three projects to write and a multimodal presentation to create. Oh, and that pesky essay leftover from last semester to hand in so I can get a grade instead of an incomplete.

Right now I'm trying to write that leftover essay from last semester and I only have three pages out of ten. Crap. I honestly have no interesting in writing the damn paper and I have a feeling I may want to rehash my old papers and puke them onto this final paper. Hmm. Tempting.

I honestly want to finish the damn essay today, but to not kill myself, I'm aiming for two more pages, so I can make it to at least half the required pages. I also started one of the course development projects but to be perfectly sincere, I have no idea what to do. I'm not planning on being a teacher so I have no idea what assessment and frameworks and objectives are, but I have to brush up quick because I need them for the project. Oh well. The professor did say it was just like making a really long syllabus.

Today's buys and Eiffel obsession.

Warning: Graphic, and not in the XXX sense.

Mom kidnapped me today and I decided to make the best of it. The old credit card got a workout by buying these (the shoes, not the ducks):


I got some Enzo Angiolini flats and Tyler by Richard Tyler wedges. I'm very excited about the wedges, since I'd been after them for quite a while. And they were half off! Yay! Mom bought me the duckies since they are pirate duckies and I'm obsessed with pirates.

Here are the Enzo shoes in action. I needed a replacement for all those black pointy toed flats I had to throw out because they were either broken or simply wasted from overuse.






And here are the Tyler shoes. I'd seen them before and I wanted them so much. But I was not about to pay 60 bucks for them. However, bumbling around the Yauco Marshalls and I found these puppies. On sale. Wee.




I also got my package from Urban Outfitters! My Eiffel Tower necklace and shirt:


And here is a picture of all the Eiffel tower necklaces I have (three with this new one):


Lastly, here is a picture of me in the shirt. Is more of a painter's smock, but I do love it so. I might have to buy into the dreaded legging trend because wearing jeans with the tunic makes me look stocky.


Oh, and before I forget, rubber duckies! Pirate rubber duckies. Wee!

I hate university libraries.

This week's task at work: find out the e-mail of all the top ten university libraries on the East Coast. By state.

>.<

Of course I started by New York, but this is ridiculous. I'm sick of surfing university websites...

I've only done three states so far. Dear Sweet God. And I don't want to think of how many I have to go.

Depression blog number I lost count.

I haven't talked much about my depression lately, not because it's gone, but because I've gotten to the point of it in which I don't want to talk to anyone about it and I just want to retreat into my shell. Alienation is the name of the game and I'm quite good at boxing myself in.

I'm not going to lie, I'm much better than I was before. I'm no longer suicidal, I'm eating ( a little too much, methinks), I'm somewhat interested in my schoolwork. But I still have the lingering feeling that I'm going to die so there's no use making plans or wondering about tomorrow. I don't get my hopes up, if you want to put it that way.

I know everybody wants me to hurry up and get better and I thank you for your concerns, but sometimes it just feels that it isn't going to get any better and I'm stuck in this field of numbness. Occasionally I'm sort of like I was before, but it's rare and fleeting. I'm usually stuck in the paranoia of "how long will it last before I have another breakdown?"

I'm scared that with the upcoming stress of having to do my final course projects my improvement might go into retrograde, mainly because I have poor emotional management skills. I'm either overly emotional or super numb. I'm not emotionally intelligent. I guess I talk frivolously about other things on my blog in an attempt to get better or to put up a smokescreen so people think that I am better.

I never figured that this would be so public a crusade. I never thought I would blog about depression. And I never thought I would use the word I so much in a post, ugh, so egocentric. It just feels like I'm all alone and in the worst company possible: myself. And I know I have friends and family and a boyfriend, but, honestly, I'm emotionally alienated to the point where it's just myself. And that self isn't too much fun.

That said, I think this depression post is done. Just wanted to keep everyone updated on the status of the pill-popping blogger.